Strength and Beauty

I have realized that I have let time pass without announcing officially here on my blog some big news. Initially it took me by surprise and to say the least I was having a hard time being excited. But the idea has grown on me. I found out in February that I accidentally got pregnant. Oops. Wasn’t planning on that and wasn’t quite ready myself, but that is the way it has gone down. I am my mother’s daughter and we easily get pregnant–super fertile women.

It took me quite a few weeks, maybe even longer, before I could admit to myself I was pregnant. I was doing this weird denial thing and walking around and living my life like it wasn’t true. I was struggling with not being very excited about the idea of being pregnant again. And to be honest, it was mostly for reasons that concerned me: my weight, my internal world, starting a new job, ongoing grief and just feeling like my independence was just now returning to me. I really only told a few women who were helping me process, but didn’t even tell my ma or my sister.

It wasn’t until late March when I was in a pretty serious car collision that the news broke. I had to tell people so they could pray. I was only eight weeks pregnant at the time (wee little thing growing inside) and he/she seemed fragile, kind of like me. Since then, I have been more and more okay with the idea of having another baby and lately am catching myself even liking the idea of it. My belly is starting pop out a bit and I had my third ultrasound today and I saw the little one waving at me. The long legs were swimming around and I could probably count all those amazing ribs. The heart was flutter flutter and I could even make out a little button nose and sweet lips. Kind of amazing to watch that on a big screen right next to you. It was one of the more rather pleasant ultrasound experiences I have ever had and let me tell you, I have had some very unpleasant ones (aka: trans*fucking*vaginal ultrasounds as me and my eloquent husband like to call it).

Excitement is growing within me to meet this little one. And the technician performing the ultrasound said she had a hunch on the sex of the baby. Ooooh, I was so tempted. Maybe at the next one.

So may I joyfully announce the upcoming arrival of our next “bean”—Vanilla Bean. [Explanation: when Audrey was in my womb, we didn't know if it was a girl or a boy. So over time, the little baby got the nick name, Coco. As in Coco Chanel. And then that gradually changed to Cocoa Bean. So we thought it would be fun to nickname this one Vanilla Bean.]

This is a little tradition of ours, taking a photo right after we read the pregnancy test. You can read a lot in our faces and deep within our eyes if you closely.

Vanilla Bean will be arriving sometime in early November.
I am currently 16 weeks!

Audrey has been practicing this for y’all!
Here is a fun video displaying Audrey’s talent..

If you ever have a toddler you will quickly find that the whining, the whimpering, the crying, and the straight up irritating communication style of that little one just won’t do. Especially when you are trying to cook dinner after working all day and just want to crawl into bed and be by yourself. But no, you have a toddler with a unique communication style, tugging at your legs, whining.

So a while back, with the words of wise Jamie in my head, I started giving Audrey some words to describe her frustration, her whining, her anger, her dissatisfaction. And the one word I really focused on was HELP.

“Audrey, do you need HELP?”
“Can you use the word HELP?”
“HELP, Audrey, HELP? Is that what you are trying to say?”

It took months of rehearsing this one little word and then all of a sudden she got it. And now she won’t stop using it. And I think I may have regretted teaching her this one little word. Sure, it eliminates, um, maybe 5% of her whining and reduces her irritation level by, let’s say, 2.8%. But it means every time she says HELP, I have to stop what I am doing and come over and help her.

We are in the garden the other day and I am trying to plant microscopic seeds in these freshly tilled and mulched beds. The only problem is that there is a massive storm coming that is bringing with it some serious winds. Audrey is, of course, trying to help me with this planting expedition but it isn’t quite working that way. I am helping her more. And out of her mouth keeps coming, “Help.” I am frantically trying to get the lettuce seeds in the ground before we have a nice little shower outside in the manure-y beds. But, it just isn’t happening. “Help, mommy.”

And it all of a sudden dawns on me, “Oh no, is this what I sound like in the ears of God?” For that is my main prayer I shoot off like a bullet to God out of the whining gun of my mouth. Sometimes on a minute by minute basis. Oh, no! I am a whining, hyper irritable, prone to fear and frustration two year old. Say it’s not so. I even taught my husband to use this prayer and he is beseeching God with hundred’s of HELP’s per day. And how many more of you are saying in your adorable two year old way, “HELP me God!” That is a lot of HELP’s! I got overwhelmed right there in the mulch and manure and my little microscopic lettuce seeds.

I have to believe He doesn’t mind all our HELP’s. Actually, I know his character is remarkably different then mine. Where I want to do my thing, have my space, only help when it is convenient to me is not at all like the character of God. In the garden that day, I realized he has his ears specially tuned for the word HELP, the way we would tune our car stereos to our favorite radio station. His heart is full of benevolence, kindness and desire to bless and do good. And most of all it is in His core to reach down and take hold of me in my soon to be muddy little garden plot where my two year old seems to be asking too much of me at the moment.

How funny that I would be reminded of this part of God’s character, his makeup, through the language development of my little daughter. It is one of the only ways he can get through to me right now in the midst of the deluge of demands that are upon this woman who is struggling to walk with Him. Or to find the new path of walking with him in this new normal.

So every time I hear little Audrey Anne’s sweet little voice choose a word like HELP over whining and spitting with frustration, it is a sermon of sorts to my own spirit to keep saying HELP.

HELP.
HELP.
HELP.
HELP.
HELP.