Throughout the last few years of my journey of walking with Jesus, I have found myself in a constant state of searching. I can see myself at times with a flashlight in hand looking for Jesus. Walking through the misty woods of worship speaking in the little Audrey Anne voice, “Jesus, where are you?” I can feel a constant state of hunger and simply not having enough. Some days I look harder than others. Most days I lay the flashlight down and search for reassurance, comfort and love in other places. And that obviously leaves me more hungry.
I was reminded of a conference I went to years ago when I first moved to Chicago. It was the 25th anniversary of my church and they brought in some big dogs to preach and lead amazing worship. There was this one sermon that has stuck with me and flitters through my heart now and again. It was out of the Song of Songs and he poetically described what I find the chronic station of my heart.
All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
“Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.
The searching, the aching, the wandering, the persistent looking, even the desperateness at times.
But the part that flitters through my heart is that finding part. She finds him and she doesn’t let him go. Clinging, clutching and holding tight. Don’t misunderstand me, I have encountered the one my heart loves in the midst of these years of searching. But it feels so far and between. I miss him. The way you miss an old friend. I encountered Jesus on a train a few months ago. It was a mind blowing encounter with him that left me dazed and dazzled with him. I could see him sitting before me in the seat in front of me, smiling like a kid, dazzled himself with the fact that he just gave me a gift and I didn’t know what to do with it but laugh, cry and say thanks with my big grin.
I was on the train again last night and part of me was hoping I would run into Jesus again. I even waited a good ten minutes waiting, looking, listening. “Jesus, where are you?” Part of what stirred this searching, besides just missing him, is that there is this huge, monumental conference coming up this week where women from all the Vineyards across the US are coming to our church to look for Jesus. And I really don’t want to miss out on this. But like I have been saying, I find myself in the dusk lit streets of life.
This morning, I quieted myself in my little closet designated for quietness, which sadly it feels like is only used every full moon. I suddenly remembered this song I stumbled upon by the David Crowder Band that is a simple instrumental song. It spoke to me. I grabbed my ipod and headed back upstairs to that quiet place and soaked in it over and over again. What I like about this song is that it is a musical illustration of what my heart feels like as the searcher. I can feel my heart taking steps forward, one in front of the other. Then the music blends and all of a sudden I feel as if I am not just moving forward but upward with rising intensity in my searching. Searching for the one my heart loves. The song draws to a close and the symbolism of the music gives me hope that him that I was searching for was found, at last, for this moment in time.
Take a listen if you like. This is the only link I could find, for it is an obscure song on their newest CD. Please, if you don’t mind, close your eyes and disregard the christianese plastered like horrible makeup all over this video. Trust me, close your eyes and just listen.
Take your flashlight in hand.