Many weeks ago, before we left on our vacation to the family reunion, I was driving the detour through the fancy downtown area of Waukegan and I passed the Ace Hardware on the corner. I smiled. On the sidewalk was a huge rack of tightly closed mums. While we were in Wisconsin, I saw the beginning “frecklings” of the trees up north, just beginning to blush here and there. More recently, I have driven past some small corn fields in the northwest suburbs and took in the honey golden colors of the corn changing. And surprisingly, there have been quite a few days in August even (of all months) where I could feel a crispness in the air that is only known to one season in the Midwest. The vegetable plot in my neglected garden is showing signs of coming to its summer end. The basil is flowering, the rhubarb is overgrown and wilty, the tomatoes (sadly) didn’t produce very many fruits. The sunflowers are in full bloom and it is interesting because I never really associated sunflowers with the end of summer but they really do fit there. I am seeing more reds and oranges creeping into the tree lined streets.

I open my arms to it all and welcome the changes in this season. Autumn has always held a special place in my more melancholy heart. I am a Californian and we don’t have fall. As hard as my dear sister tries out there in San Diego, fall doesn’t really come to California; I wish it did for her sake. When I moved to the Midwest, I was mesmerized by autumn. I couldn’t get over all the colors, all the leaves on the ground, all the smells.

There are so many memories associated with autumn that I have collected. Baking my famous chocolate chip cookies for New Student Outreach with IV, homecoming, plunging into a freshly raked larger than life pile of leaves to the horror of the woman who had just spent hours raking her yard, running with Sabrina through the streets of Iowa City creating new paths to challenge our bodies on, watching the color of the waters of Lake Michigan change, apple picking with the Martens’, Jason’s apple pies with all their spices, my autumnal wedding with all its leaves and nostalgia, Lake Tahoe, fall conferences, my growing assortment of colorful wraps and scarves, jeans every day that you can wear them, rock climbing at Devils Lake, anticipation (and a little dread) of the holidays quickly approaching. I love it all.

However.
This year, 2008, autumn means I am about to have a baby. I have had very mixed feelings about this. Dreading the birth process with all sorts of fear and freak out moments. Not looking forward in the least to having what independence I have reclaimed be stripped entirely from me again. Afraid of how I am going to cope after this baby is born with the added stress of a newborn and all the hormonal changes a woman experiences after giving birth. Unsure how I am going to juggle working part time with two small children. A lot of not knowing combined with a struggle to trust the one who is in charge (supposedly) with all the solutions in his hand. I am excited to press myself, kind of like an athlete mentioned in a previous post, to train harder and prepare differently for the race of child birth set before me. I am eager to meet this new little daughter of ours and see her face, hold her hand, kiss her cheek and learn about who she is and will become. I feel curious about how Audrey Anne will respond to her little sister and what that adjustment will be like.

In all of it, I still open my arms to autumn and say in my Shanel sort of way, “Welcome.”

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