Just some ponderings and feelings this summer evening…
I find it so unfortunate, unfair, upsetting, whatever words you would like to choose, that I am not just a normal human being that is going through the regular course of suffering and pain that one might walk through on this earth. Not that life is all suffering and pain, but…
So I find myself being the normal human with the normal course of suffering and on top of that I am a tertiary adult child of alcoholic(s). This quite sucks, pardon the expression. Actually, let me think of another expression. Hmmmm. Shitty. Crummy. Pissant! That’ll do.
I made up that term, tertiary ACOA. It occurred to me the other night that I am not just the adult child of one alcoholic, but almost all my mother’s and father’s are alcholics. It sent a pang through me that I had not felt so acutely before. It’s hard to describe the pang. The above description is full of anger and a whiny, confused voice that says over and over again like a broken record, “This is not fair!” But another part of the pang is just feeling the great loss it has brought to my life. And there may be a little irritation in that pang, like I don’t have enough to deal with already being a normal human experiencing the normal course of suffering. Alcoholism is piled up on the heap of it all and I am not happy about it.
But it is what it is, right? That is my new mantra these days. My friend Kathleen gave me a mantra a year ago that went like this, “Be kind to yourself, Shanel.” Well, my mantra has changed to “It is what it is.” A mantra that allows me to surrender and move to a place of acceptance rather than bucking like a small lamb that doesn’t want to be caught and sheared.
I press into feeling all the emotions around that pang and swing from one vine to the next hoping that someday I can see the beauty that has become of my life, despite being a tertiary ACOA.
God, help.