Some of you are going to be unable to relate to this or have any idea what I am talking about, but I will share anyway.
I have been playing World of Warcraft (aka WOW), an online multi player role playing video game, more seriously now for the last six months. *More seriously* meaning, I have been playing a lot; I probably have been averaging 10-15 hours a week. I created a Tauren druid, named Nukpana, who is part of the Horde (the mean, the bad, the ugly). When I first started this character, I was invited to be a part of a guild, which is like a team of sorts. Other characters are invited in and you play together, doing quests and running through instances (which are like really intense fights with big “bosses”). The guild had gone through a few different leaders, names and people, but for the most part there was a core of us who have known each other over the last 6 months and have become “friends of sorts”.
The maximum level the game has designed for the characters is level 70. I have recently hit level 51 which is significant. I have played over the last few years with Ivan and had actually made it to level 60 with a Night Elf hunter, which at that time was the highest level you could get. I was only able to achieve that level through the help primarily of Ivan showing me how to play, where to go, how to do the quests, which bosses to kill to get different loot. I played a lot with the family guild named “All Your Base” which was bonding and fun to do with Ivan’s brothers and sister. But Nukpana was different. I wanted to play the character on my own and figure it out myself; without Ivan’s help. So to get to level 51 on my own seemed like quite an accomplishment. Of course, I had my guildies helping me and coaching me.
Over the last few weeks I have felt like I needed a break from the game. I find myself more and more emotionally invested in my character feeling this strong drive to level, level, level and keep up with the rest of the people in my guild who were all starting to reach level 70. I also felt emotionally invested in the guild staying intact, happy, and functioning well. They had made me an officer a few months ago which was quite an honor and surprise for little peon me, Nukpana. Different characters would come and go from the guild not saying why they were going or where they were going. It would bother me but I usually would get over it and keep playing with the core of the guild.
However, more recently, in the middle of the night, the majority of the characters from our guild up and left taking all their alternate characters with them and even booting people from the guild they would want to take with them when they came online a little later. All that was left was the guild leader, her assistant and husband and a few of us lower level 50 something characters. I felt so betrayed and emotionally devastated by this action on their part. They had obviously been planning this for awhile and I was shocked by their lack of openness with the remaining few of us. Like I said earlier, I have become too emotionally invested in this game and I had felt like some of them were actual buddies. There was hardly anything left to this guild and I was angry. The four core characters that were remaining talked it out that we would keep the guild going and just start over.
But it was too much for me. It sent me over the edge in a way; it made me make the decision to take a long break from this game and get some perspective. It’s just a game, right? I know that is what some of you are thinking. You probably think I am silly and quite emotionally immature to get this attached to a character, to a guild, to a game. But I am honest; I have.
It was actually quite a hard decision to make, to go and cancel my account with Blizzard. But I did it. It felt good but sad at the same time. It has been two days since I said goodbye to Nukpana and some of my friends left in the guild. I feel bored, kind of lost on what to do with my time. I find myself still drawn to the created world of Azeroth. But I am resisting and searching for something different to fill my life with, for now.
I have all sorts of creative projects I would like to work on–quilts to finish, curtains to make, painting of rooms, gardens to nurture and tend, many, many knitting projects to complete, letters to write, books to read and reflect on. I want to spend more time with my husband and daughter. I want to walk more through Lions Woods. I think this is going to be good for me.
So here is a goodbye to Nukpana for the summer. I may meet up with her again in the fall with new perspective and more balanced life.
I can kinda sorta relate … just a little. About 6 weeks ago I canceled my daily newspaper subscription. Now, I DO need to know the news for my job, but we get both Chicago dailies at work so I can catch up there. However, the paper always sits there seeming to be one more thing to consume. I do love reading the paper in the morning, but I just haven’t had time lately. And I have so many good books and magazines laying around, as well as other projects. Combine all of that with my anger at the Chicago Tribune (I work for their competition, and they are rolling out some stuff to try and take our business) and my desire to save money for England and–the end. No more daily paper.
I’m certainly going to get it again when I come back from England, but for now it’s nice not to have to pick it up every morning, read it, recycle it…I do feel sort of free.
You are a wise woman, Shanel, to see the trap. I remember a passage in one of the Narnia books where one of the boys turns into a dragon because he was lying on the dragon’s horde and thinking greedy, dragonish thoughts. He tries to get himself free little by little, but in the end the only way to freedom is for him to let Aslan peel off the dragon skin with his long, sharp claws and then pop his now-small body into a cleansing pool. Now, a dragon horde is a little more obvious trap than a virtual world sort of game, but the trap can be the same, that slowly one’s heart begins to become as invested in that world and those relationships as in the living, breathing ones nearby. The game wasn’t a trap when you were playing with Ivan and with the rest of the family because the two worlds were inhabited by the same folks. I love how you saw truth and did the hard thing, Shanel. It makes me respect you highly.
Cindy